As I’ve said many times, there are no winners in emotional wars. Whatever we think or know about feelings, the reality is that they are nothing short of ‘ammunition’ in a divorce. When you are in control of your emotions, you are in control. That’s why it is important to truly understand your emotional place in a divorce proceeding. That is, are you an attacker, a defender or a neutral in terms of your emotional place in your divorce proceeding (from my book Divorce: It’s All About Control, which includes a self-test to determine your style)?

There is no judgment placed on the result. Instead, once you ‘know thyself’ you can make choices about how to use your time and energy rather than setting off or defending emotional missiles. For example, I often counsel clients to “put yourself in the other person’s shoes.” Now as difficult as I know this is, please ask yourself: “Would I want to be attacked in that way?” Of course not. Empathy goes a long way in correcting the behavior of the attacker. Another tip I give to clients is to reward themselves in some meaningful way for resisting the urge to attack and for maintaining self-control. That is, do something fun or gratifying for yourself with the same time and energy you would spend attacking. It could be as simple as going out for an ice cream cone or taking up a new hobby like swing dancing.